Life.

Life is racing by, and I don't like it.

Part of it is that I am in the midst of motherhood. Motherhood with small children. My days consist of organising everyone, planning ahead to organise everyone, and then attempting to schedule in some 'me' time at the end of the day. It goes so fast. I do have spare moments here and there, but then I'm usually so inwardly absorbed with thinking and planning ahead, or thinking about all the things I should be doing. I should be playing with Miss E more, I should be reading more (to myself and my kids), I should be cooking healthy meals, I should be exercising. So many shoulds, but what I really need to do, is enjoy it. Be in the moment. This time of my life is hectic and crazy and frustrating and tiring... but it is also amazing. These little people love me and need me and look up to me, more now than they ever will again. These little people who are my whole life. It's a cruel irony in many ways that this time, that is the most special is also the time that everything is so crazy you have trouble remembering anything!

Like right now, my life seems to centre around Miss E. Toddlers are hard, and Miss E has been my hardest. I sometimes find myself looking at Miss E, thinking "Who are you?" Mr O I feel I mostly understand, Miss A less so, but I'm learning. Miss E is so confusing to me - like, where did she come from? Who is this child that has been sent to me? She has so much energy and personality, and that mischievous spirit is insane! But as I may or may not have mentioned in my previous post, I am learning and trying to change my perspective, and realise that she is actually humbling me. Just think, if I had never had Miss E, or had a much 'easier' child as my third, I might still be going through life thinking that I know what I'm doing as a parent, thinking that I am better than other parents because my kids aren't 'naughty', judging other parents, judging other kids! I feel embarrassed to think that I could be like that! I'm not saying that I never judge - everyone does, of course they do. But I feel like I understand better now the reality that no one really knows what they are doing - and that is okay! We are all doing the best we can with what we have.

But getting back to my original topic... life passing me by, and not liking it. I don't have the answer. I feel that my mind is so task-orientated most of the time. It makes me feel like I've achieved something. But that also means that I am always searching for the next 'thing' that needs to be done, instead of living in the moment. Perhaps the answer is just taking moments throughout the day to be thankful, be grateful... Like right now I am thankful for Rhett and Link (internet comedy duo for those not aware). I appreciate their humour, their songs, and that my entire family enjoys watching them. It is one of the few things that can keep Miss E entertained and still!

That's it for now. I'm sure I'll write again - maybe tomorrow, maybe in 3 months - who knows with me!

Why hello there forgotten blog

My blogs and journals and vlogs are as scattered and disorganised as my brain!

I had completely forgotten about this blog. Like literally, I had no idea it existed until I logged on and saw it sitting there.

No new years resolutions or unpublished posts about my mastitis saga this time... Just me attempting to make sense of my mess of a life. Not that my life is a mess... I'm a mess, within my life that is actually pretty okay!

Here's a quick update on where I am in life, just so I know if/when I look back at this.

Mr O is now a big 7 year old, in grade one at school. Such a smart, quirky little person. Miss A will be 5 in less than a month - we're in the process of organising her party. She started school this year, Kinder three days a week (Monday, Tuesday, Thursday) and she loves it! She has settled in so well and is making lots of friends. Miss E is 20 months, and a very busy, cheeky, adorable toddler. She is dropping her day sleep. Days are long, but I have my evenings back!

I am going to start by saying outright - I am not coping so well with my life. I feel like I should be. The older two kids are so good, and they kind of look after themselves for the most part. They don't fight very often, and mostly they play beautifully together. Hubby is so wonderful and supportive, and when he is home from work is completely hands on and never complains. I have lots of mummy friends, my family is close by. I have everything in place as well as it could possibly be... but for some reason I am still struggling. Miss E has been sent here to test me, challenge me, humble me... and I guess to ultimately make me a better, stronger person and mother... Except right now I'm in the depths of it and all I can do is feel sorry for myself, or hate myself for not coping better. I'm sure she is not even as hard as I think she is. It's all a bit of a vicious cycle. Not coping, hating myself for not coping, not looking after myself properly because I hate myself, hating myself more for being weak and eating crappy food and seeking small comforts, feeling guilty, hating myself more, feeling depressed and pathetic... There is a lot of simple acceptance missing in my life. I think what I said in my vlog-type-thing just before is "I need to find a way to accept Miss E for the way she is, accept my life the way it is, so I can be happy". It's like when Miss E doesn't sleep when I am expecting her to. I will get so annoyed and angry and not handle it well at all! But if I just go into it thinking she won't sleep, or just accepting that she may not sleep, then whatever happens I am okay with it. So I need to apply this to my life in general. I need to just accept it. Accept Miss E. Accept my life. Accept myself! Stop beating myself up and stop this stupid cycle of hating myself and then treating myself like crap!

And tied up in all of this is me wanting to lose weight... sort of. I think. See, I want to lose weight, but I want to do it for the right reasons! I want it to be because I'm looking after myself, to be healthy, and to be a good example for the kids. At the moment it's all about looks. I feel fat and frumpy and hate myself so much of the time, so that is why I want to lose weight. But I want to shift my focus. Again, I am going to talk about acceptance! I want to get to the point of accepting and evening loving (gasp) my body just the way it is. Right now I am overweight, I have huge boobs, a flabby tummy, lots of squishy bumpy bits... but that doesn't mean I need to hate myself. I think hubby still likes the way I look. I think what I hate the most is this cycle of me just eating and eating, to the point where I am not even enjoying it. And I keep going off exercise (yes I have a dodgy foot, but still), even though I know I feel so much better when I do! So that us all something I need to work on. Hubby has lost weight and gotten fit, and I am so proud of him. I need to do the same for myself. Look after myself. Love myself!

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the moment. Now time to pick kiddies up from school.