My blogs and journals and vlogs are as scattered and disorganised as my brain!
I had completely forgotten about this blog. Like literally, I had no idea it existed until I logged on and saw it sitting there.
No new years resolutions or unpublished posts about my mastitis saga this time... Just me attempting to make sense of my mess of a life. Not that my life is a mess... I'm a mess, within my life that is actually pretty okay!
Here's a quick update on where I am in life, just so I know if/when I look back at this.
Mr O is now a big 7 year old, in grade one at school. Such a smart, quirky little person. Miss A will be 5 in less than a month - we're in the process of organising her party. She started school this year, Kinder three days a week (Monday, Tuesday, Thursday) and she loves it! She has settled in so well and is making lots of friends. Miss E is 20 months, and a very busy, cheeky, adorable toddler. She is dropping her day sleep. Days are long, but I have my evenings back!
I am going to start by saying outright - I am not coping so well with my life. I feel like I should be. The older two kids are so good, and they kind of look after themselves for the most part. They don't fight very often, and mostly they play beautifully together. Hubby is so wonderful and supportive, and when he is home from work is completely hands on and never complains. I have lots of mummy friends, my family is close by. I have everything in place as well as it could possibly be... but for some reason I am still struggling. Miss E has been sent here to test me, challenge me, humble me... and I guess to ultimately make me a better, stronger person and mother... Except right now I'm in the depths of it and all I can do is feel sorry for myself, or hate myself for not coping better. I'm sure she is not even as hard as I think she is. It's all a bit of a vicious cycle. Not coping, hating myself for not coping, not looking after myself properly because I hate myself, hating myself more for being weak and eating crappy food and seeking small comforts, feeling guilty, hating myself more, feeling depressed and pathetic... There is a lot of simple acceptance missing in my life. I think what I said in my vlog-type-thing just before is "I need to find a way to accept Miss E for the way she is, accept my life the way it is, so I can be happy". It's like when Miss E doesn't sleep when I am expecting her to. I will get so annoyed and angry and not handle it well at all! But if I just go into it thinking she won't sleep, or just accepting that she may not sleep, then whatever happens I am okay with it. So I need to apply this to my life in general. I need to just accept it. Accept Miss E. Accept my life. Accept myself! Stop beating myself up and stop this stupid cycle of hating myself and then treating myself like crap!
And tied up in all of this is me wanting to lose weight... sort of. I think. See, I want to lose weight, but I want to do it for the right reasons! I want it to be because I'm looking after myself, to be healthy, and to be a good example for the kids. At the moment it's all about looks. I feel fat and frumpy and hate myself so much of the time, so that is why I want to lose weight. But I want to shift my focus. Again, I am going to talk about acceptance! I want to get to the point of accepting and evening loving (gasp) my body just the way it is. Right now I am overweight, I have huge boobs, a flabby tummy, lots of squishy bumpy bits... but that doesn't mean I need to hate myself. I think hubby still likes the way I look. I think what I hate the most is this cycle of me just eating and eating, to the point where I am not even enjoying it. And I keep going off exercise (yes I have a dodgy foot, but still), even though I know I feel so much better when I do! So that us all something I need to work on. Hubby has lost weight and gotten fit, and I am so proud of him. I need to do the same for myself. Look after myself. Love myself!
Anyway, those are my thoughts for the moment. Now time to pick kiddies up from school.
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